Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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