I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
