fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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