i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
