Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
