You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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