have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
