I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
