Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
