I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
