dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
