Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
