I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize