There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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