she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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