yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
