Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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