I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
True strength comes from lack of pants
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
