Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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