Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize