Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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