i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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