She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
