I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Randomize
