I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
