We need to rekindle our bromance
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
