I look better un-naked...
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Randomize