Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Randomize
