i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
