Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
