my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
