he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
