was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
