i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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