Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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