Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
