i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
