it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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