When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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