The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
