I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Randomize
