I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
