we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
