D3 body, D1 cock
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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