i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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