2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Randomize
