I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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