I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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