i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
