I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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