i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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