nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
