Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
