I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize