I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
