My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
