she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
